John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
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