How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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