Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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