I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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