i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Never underestimate the power of titties
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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