I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
