drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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