I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
