If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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