oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
