i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
