she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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