i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
