Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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