some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
