i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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