Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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