The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
