Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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