woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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