This is not my ceiling
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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