M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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