I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Randomize
