when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Pants are for mortals
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
