I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
