I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
