Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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