dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
