i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
