quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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