I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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