why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
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