I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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