I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
