did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
