he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
