Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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