I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize