from now on my penis is your penis
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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