I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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