So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
