i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
you made out with another girl for some wings
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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