Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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