Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
