I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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