ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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