i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'm just crazy horny about you
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
