I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
