no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize