Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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