Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
