she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
