he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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