Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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