My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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