im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Randomize
