I just made out with a guy for $7.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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