I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
