My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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