im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
